My Space for kids??

[Danielle]

  Ladies, I am in shock of what my son told me today!! He wants to join MySpace. I told aboustely NOT! My son is only 10, and he told me lots of his friends have thier own MySpace. WHAT??? These are 9 and 10 year olds!! He tells me that thier parents monitor it, and they can't write anything ugly, SO!!! First of all, these are kids, not teenagers, and you are supposed to be 15 to join. SO, these parents are lying, teaching thier children its OK, to be untruthful. AND I looked at some of his friends MySpace, and these little girls are putting "NAUGHTY" as thier moods!! OMG, that is ! But my son tells me, "You can set it as private." I DON'T CARE!!!!! Where are these parents when all this is going on!!! And have I mentioned the Sexual Predators. These people seek out the internet looking for kids as bait!! I am just soo upset!! WHAT DO YOU THINK???

[Happy Momma]

I kind of use MySpace- I've recently joined Facebook because it is much less trashy.  But, I see a lot of kids using MySpace- kids I know are not old enough and I think it's wrong.

If the rules state that you have to be 15 to join  (I'm pretty sure it's 13, but I could be wrong)- either way- if you are under the required age and you join you are lying.  And to me- that is wrong.  Just like I think it's wrong to lie about how old your child is in order to get cheaper admission to a theme park or a cheaper rate for a buffet dinner.  A lie is a lie and it's wrong.  And for parents to let their children lie makes it kind of hard for a child to understand when it's okay to lie and when it isn't.  But I think that MySpace is pretty questionable anyways.  Even if your son was old enough and you kept his profile private and you monitored what he does on his space- you still can't monitor those "naughty" girls that he could be making friends with.

When he is old enough- I would recommend checking out Facebook.  It has a much better feel to it than MySpace does.  But for now I would have a talk with him about why a lie is wrong no matter what and to join MySpace he would have to lie.

[Danielle]

  Melanie, for your comment, I used My space too, and like you, I turned to Facebook, and I like it much better, I am getting in touch with my old high buddies and it is great. My son tells me " well, if you have it, why can't I?" WELL, because I am A 34 year old ADULT, not a kid. Lying is lying, like you said. I want to teach my children the right thing, It is not ok to lie. Thanks Melanie

[Audrey]

Eligibility. Use of the MySpace Services and registration to be a Member for the MySpace Services (“Membership”) is void where prohibited.  By using the MySpace Services, you represent and warrant that (a) all registration information you submit is truthful and accurate; (b) you will maintain the accuracy of such information; (c) you are 13 years of age or older; and (d) your use of the MySpace Services does not violate any applicable law or regulation.  Your profile may be deleted and your Membership may be terminated without warning, if we believe that you are under 13 years of age, if we believe that you are under 18 years of age and you represent yourself as 18 or older, or if we believe you are over 18 and represent yourself as under 18.

It looks like you have to be 13 to have an account. I see a few issues here Danielle. Here's my two cents. I would tell him that the rules state he must be 13 and you're not ok with lieing. When he's 13 he can have an account.

Now, having said that, there are plenty of other kids who have an account and whose parents are fine with lieing. It's possible he might open an account anyway at a friends house and use it only at a friends house. I don't know your son, so I don't know if he would do that. I only kow when my own kids were younger this was very common to do at your friends house what you're not allowed to do at home.

So while it's not ok for him to have an account, it's still really important that you and him talk about it and talk about what's appropriate and what's not. I also think you might want to periodically do a search for him through your own account.

My 18 year old never wanted me to see her MySpace until she left for overseas. Now we're "friends" LOL. I do know her account was ALWAYS private and we did talk about things a lot!!!!

Like I said just my two cents.

[Danielle]

  Audrey, I always can't wait to read your posts!! You should have been a lawyer, you just have a good way of putting things into perspective!!

[Happy Momma]

I've been thinking about it too.  And I think if I was a kid now- I KNOW my parents wouldn't let me have a MySpace account until I was old enough (and even then I'm not sure). 

But, I think I would have done it anyways, probably at a friends house like Audrey said.  I had one friend in particular when I was younger- and we always did things we weren't supposed to do when we were at her house.  So I think the most important thing is like Audrey said- talk to him about why he shouldn't have an account, but also make sure he knows what's appropriate and not in case he decides to go set one up anyways.

[emsplace]

Well, I keep thinking - and I am sure it won't be popular, but if his friends all jumped off a bridge, would he? lol That is what my dad used to say.
Bottom line, if you are against it - stand your ground.  My son doesn't do a lot that other people's children do and I make no excuses for it. I am not his friend and I don't have to explain. That sounds harsh -- I know... but I feel strongly about some things.
Both My Space and FaceBook are confusing to me.
I heard of a new one for adults - not porn or anything, www.ziggs.com AND you can find out if anyone googles you. it's cool!

[Happy Momma]

I agree with you Em- that's what my parents always told me.  And my friends were allowed to do a lot of things that I wasn't allowed to do.  I had very strict parents.  But, when they weren't around I still managed to get mysefl into some trouble. 

What I'm saying is that when kids get older- sometimes they do things they aren't allowed to do.  With your son (he's 4, I believe??) he is still young enough where you can control all aspects of his life.  But, when he gets older- unless he is always with you- he is going to do things he shouldn't do.

So, while I certainly agree- if you think it's wrong, stand your ground and make sure he knows you think it's wrong.  But, when he is over at a friends house- whether or not he signs up his own account he will be looking at MySpace and there's a lot of stuff on there I wouldn't want my young son to see for sure.  So, I think along with the discussion about why lying is wrong no matter what, there needs to be an even bigger discussion about what is okay to look at on MySpace and what isn't.

I see a lot of young teenage girls showing off their bodies in ways that make me feel to my stomach.  And if I had a young boy I think it would be a good time to make sure he knows how woman should be treated and what kind of things are not appropriate for him to look at.

[Danielle]

I totally agree with you Melanie and Em, I am his parent, NOT his friend, thats what I have been telling him for about.... 10 years... LOL. I totally agree with you all, I am standing my ground, NO MATTER WHAT HIS FRIEND DO!! It is my job as a parent to ensure that he leads a life of stablity and of the precusions of a decision that will affect him later, just because everyone else is "dong it" does not make it right! Thank you all for your comments!!

[Audrey]

Well, I keep thinking - and I am sure it won't be popular, but if his friends all jumped off a bridge, would he? lol That is what my dad used to say.
Bottom line, if you are against it - stand your ground.  My son doesn't do a lot that other people's children do and I make no excuses for it. I am not his friend and I don't have to explain. That sounds harsh -- I know... but I feel strongly about some things.
Both My Space and FaceBook are confusing to me.
I heard of a new one for adults - not porn or anything, www.ziggs.com AND you can find out if anyone googles you. it's cool!

I have a cousin who broke his back because his friends jumped off a cliff and he did too. So unless you are 100% positive that your child will NEVER give into peer pressure then I still say it's a really wise idea to talk about the why behind your parental decision.

I'd also like to offer another perspective. I have ALWAYS wanted my children to trust other adults, not just me. I've ALWAYS wanted them to feel there were other adults that cared about them and their well being and that they could talk to.

Yet I know that not every other adult out there is going to agree with my decisions. What happens when another mom thinks myspace is ok and your son is there? Do you really want to teach him that every adult who doesn't agree with you is wrong?

I really feely strongly about this. I've seen too many kids make really really poor choices because they didn't have parental support. The best example are the moms who told their daughters YOU CAN NOT DATE. You bet a mom has a right to make that decision. But it's a really strong decision and so the girls sleep over at a friends and go out with the boys anyway.

I bowled with a woman who bragged and bragged that her daughter could not date and she sets the rules not everyone else. Yep, her daughter ended up pregnant

My kids have also gone to school with kids who ended up in treatment centers for eating disorders. These are very real problems. Eating disorder problems are often the result of control issues.

Look, I agree that 10 is too young for MySpace and I agree with not teaching lieing by saying it's ok. But I also know that kids find a way to get those things that are forbidden and so education is key.

[Audrey]

What I'm saying is that when kids get older- sometimes they do things they aren't allowed to do.  With your son (he's 4, I believe??) he is still young enough where you can control all aspects of his life.  But, when he gets older- unless he is always with you- he is going to do things he shouldn't do.

Ok, there is a world of difference between a 4 year old and a 10 year old.

Kids are kids. I don't think anyone posting here can say "I never did anything I wasn't supposed to" Well guess what? Our kids are the same. When they are our age they too won't be able to say it. Some kids only do really minor things, other kids do major things and some kids do minor thing that lead to horrible things.

Does anyone remember reading a few years ago....a few 13 year old boys were throwing things off the overpass onto cars on the freeway. One guy got so angry, he got off and shot the kids killing one. Does anyone remember this?

Look, those kids NEVER NEVER should've been throwing things, but who would've thought the consequences would be so harsh???

[emsplace]

This is a great discussion...

I will tell my child who is a very advanced almost 5 year old, that other people do things differently and that is their choice, but we have rules in our home that he will follow - based on our reasons and our beliefs.

All adults ARE NOT trustworthy and I don't believe in teaching that either.  I believe my child has the right to say "sorry, my parents don't allow that"... but then, it would be rare that we let him spend the night with a friend unless I felt they would understand our views.

I realize four is not ten. But at four, he has rules to follow. At ten, he will have rules to follow... and while life and rules get a little more flexible as we get older and more responsibility switches to the child as he/she grows into adult-hood...  His friends and their families will not determine our rules.

I couldn't date, drive or work till I was 18. ALL MY FRIENDS DID!
Yes, I met boys at parties, but I never slept with anyone or put up with the crap my friends did from boys. They knew I couldn't go out with them and I had tons of male friends... still friends with some today. I thought my dad was so mean!  But I didn't break MANY of his rules.  I knew the consequences if caught. And while others may think it harsh... man as a parent, I now think he was RIGHT ON!

Of course, breaking rules is a right of passage in some ways.
But it is NOT yielding to peer pressure or POPULAR concepts that makes us individuals! I see no reason to have a MySpace at 10 or even 14. I don't believe anyone should until they are 18+. That is my opinion.  But I am also a mom who doesn't allow much TV or Computer (Internet) or even Video Games! Neither did my sister and her children are FINE! lol

I am also the kind of parent who plays games, goes for walks with and entertains my son! And I intend to use the "keep him busy" method when he gets older - sports and youth group and boy scouts... anything to keep him busy! This way, I can monitor who he is around and what he is doing.

Nope - can't be there all the time. Yep - accidents, including broken bones, pregnancy, and worse can/will happen. But... it's all in the communication and attention! My child gets a lot of both! Disasters happen in parenting... but I don't believe in changing my beliefs and strictness in hopes to DETER a disaster... I am strict because I intend to thwart disaster.

The truth is, I was not allowed to do a lot and I never got into any major trouble with idiot boyfriends and trying things I shouldn't until I was old enough to take responsibility. And that is what I want for my son.

Great chat ladies.

[emsplace]

OK... so I posted that quickly... but I wanted to add...

1) I have a friend with teenagers who uses MY son as an example because he picks up after himself and they don't. Granted - they never have and she did that. But she is working backwards trying to fix it.

2) I don't buy totally into the whole "a child got pregnant because their parents wouldn't let them date".  Or a child turned to drugs or got arrested running wild because their parents had too many rules... I think that if you are going to get into trouble, you will! There are lots of families with strict rules where no children get into major trouble. There are families with strict rules that one of five kids gets into major trouble, but they all have the same rules.  I think it is about how the parents communicate the rules AND the personality type of the child.   

3) I get very passionate sometimes. My opinions are mine. I am in no way saying anyone is wrong. I just see a different side.

em

[Audrey]

Em,

You and I are not in agreement, but we are both really passionate about our beliefs on this.

I do want to clarify one thing. I did not mean to imply that the getting preganat was a result of the no dating rule. I was only saying that parents can make rules, but if the child wants to break the rule, they will. Just because you have a rule of no dating, this is not an excuse to not teach your child about safe sex, protection and yes even abstinence.

[Audrey]

All adults ARE NOT trustworthy and I don't believe in teaching that either.  I believe my child has the right to say "sorry, my parents don't allow that"... but then, it would be rare that we let him spend the night with a friend unless I felt they would understand our views.

I do want to comment on this issue. I did not say that all parents/adults are trustworthy. What I did say is that there will be parents that don't agree with my decisions and that I would never want my child to not be able to hang out at someone's house because that parent did not agree with me 100%.

I agree a child should have the right to say "sorry my parents don't allow that" but just because their friends parents do does not make that a non trustworthy person.

It's fine to monitor his friends and pick his friends based on the friends parents and not allow him to spend the night at someone's home unless that someone shares your views but at what age does he get to choose his own friends and make his own decisions?

I know your posts continue to say that you and your siblings and their kids all did great in life. I think that's awesome. My own experiences have been a bit more "average". As I mentioned my girls have gone to school with kids who ended up in treatment centers, ended up pregnant and more. My daughter when she went to college had a first roommate who got kicked out of school. The girl had NEVER had freedom. She went to college and went wild with freedom. At 18 she could finally make a decision. All that great teaching and strictness right down the drain. I've read the statistics. This is COMMON. The percentage of first year drop outs is alarming. Over and over again, the cause is the same, they were not prepared for independence.

It is a great conversation. I think it would be really awesome to meet you live one day. We are so very different in our thoughts, I actually think we'd get along great We both share a "I care a ton about my child" and that's huge.

I'll share one final story. My daughter is 25. She lives with me part time. I woke up one night and she was gone. I called her and said "where are you?" She burst out laughing and said "mom I'm 25 years old and I'm willing to bet the only one whose mom calls to say where are you" She was laughing as she spoke (no anger). she then told me where she was and the next day let me know that it meant alot that I care.  I do care.